They Don't Make Pills For That
by Cerulean Twin
Summary: ONE-SHOT. Vergil experiences a malfunction in the bedroom and makes the mistake of asking his brother for advice. VergilxLady, slight DantexTrish. ADULT CONVERSATIONS.


_A/N: This is just a quick one-shot that I'd thought of a while back but never bothered to type up or anything. Seemed like a fun way to work through some writer's block and get myself back into the swing of things. Mentions of adult situations (Vergil/Lady) and maybe a little implied Dante/Trish._

 _Disclaimer: Don't own the characters or anything like that, and no one profits from this, blah blah blah. Anyways, enjoy!_

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 **They Don't Make Pills For That**

Vergil sighed heavily as he finally arrived in front of his brother's shop and gazed up at the glowing sign above the doors that let him know his twin must be in at the moment. He really hated going to his brother for anything, especially _advice_ , but at the moment he didn't think anyone else would know anything about his current predicament. It took him a moment to swallow his pride, but Vergil needed some help and unfortunately he had nowhere else to turn to. With another loud huff, the elder twin knocked on the door and awaited his torment. Luckily, or maybe the opposite at the moment, Vergil didn't have to wait a long time before his twin yanked open the door.

"Yooo! It's kinda late to be paying your baby bro a visit, ain't it?" Dante threw out with a smirk as their eyes met. "Didja just miss me that much?"

Vergil scoffed loudly and rolled his eyes as he turned his back on his idiot brother. Coming to Dante was the last decision he should have made, he was only going to be embarrassed in the end.

"Never mind, I'm going home," the elder of the pair huffed as he headed for the steps. Better to tough it out alone than to endure the torture that was already on its way. "Forget it."

Dante snorted softly and trotted after his brother. He grabbed Vergil gently by the shoulder to stop him from getting too far before they could talk.

"Hey, come on, Verge… no need to run off. What's up? It ain't exactly like you to drop by unannounced-especially not in the middle of the night," Dante pointed out as he forced his twin to sit with him on the top step of the entrance to the shop. "So, what gives?"

Vergil pursed his lips tightly, unsure if he really want to divulge what was bothering him. Sure, he'd come here to ask Dante if he had any ideas to help… but now he was seriously reconsidering telling _anyone_ what had happened. He frowned deeply and ran a hand through his hair before he finally gave in.

"I need some advice…" the elder devil admitted after a moment. "Something happened tonight, between Lady and myself," he added, his face wrinkled slightly at the memory.

"No kidding? I have to say Vergil, I thought you guys started getting it on ages ago. But hey, congrats, man," Dante snorted and poked his brother in the shoulder.

"Shut up, you imbecile! Of course we've done that before, that's not what I'm saying!" Vergil hissed and swatted his hand away. "Now quit interrupting or I'll burn this hovel to the ground," he growled out.

"Sheesh, take it easy, Verge… I was just tryin' to lighten the mood. But alright, I'll stop teasing you. Just spill it, what's up?" Dante prodded, a more serious expression on his face.

Vergil grit his teeth slightly and let out a quiet grumble. This really was a bad idea.

"Well, we were in the middle of… well, _that_ , and I did... something to upset her. It was an accident, honestly, I couldn't control it," Vergil admitted quietly. "It just… happened. She was livid, and threw me out of the apartment. I tried to talk to her about it, but she refuses to listen."

Dante whistled low and shook his head, a small grin already formed on his lips.

"Gotta say… I didn't think you had performance issues. You're kinda giving us a bad name; couldn't you just think of something gross to try and keep from blowing your load too early or something?" the younger twin asked with a snort.

Vergil growled and smacked his brother on the back of the head, drawing a yelp from the other.

"That's not what happened!" he snarled as he fought the urge to punch Dante in the face. "We didn't even get that far!"

"Ooooooooh, I get it…" Dante hummed as he rubbed his head where he'd been hit. "So, you couldn't keep it up and she got insulted. You know, they make pills for that sorta thing," he added with a shrug.

Vergil growled darkly and twisted his hands into the edges of his coat to keep from strangling his brother. This was definitely a huge mistake, but it was too late now.

"Dante… I have never had an issue performing in the bedroom and that continues to be true to this day. If you say _one more thing_ along those lines, I will make sure you never **perform** again," Vergil threatened as he glared at his brother.

"Okay, okay, geez… I mean, that's what it sounded like, what did you expect?" Dante grumbled back. "So if that's not the issue, then what the hell happened that made her throw you out?"

Vergil pursed his lips for a moment and tried to gather his composure before speaking. He already knew Dante was going to say something ignorant.

"...I…" Vergil started, then mumbled the next part. He couldn't do it, he couldn't say it.

"Huh?" Dante tilted his head as he eyed his brother. "Speak up, what're you saying?"

"...I triggered," the elder twin repeated, feeling his face flush in mortification.

Dante stared at his brother for a few moments, not quite following.

"What do you mean, you triggered?" the younger devil asked, eyebrows raised in curiosity.

Vergil scowled darkly and ran a hand through his hair. If only he could drop dead right now.

"I triggered. Inside of her. Mid-thrust," he clarified as he rested his face in his palm. "Needless to say, between the screaming and the bullet she tried to put into my skull, she did not appreciate it."

There was silence between the pair of them for what felt like thirty minutes, but was probably only thirty seconds, and then Dante burst into laughter.

"OH MY GOD!" he practically screeched as he literally fell over on his side laughing. "Are you _serious_ , Verge?!" the younger twin crowed. "I can't believe this… holy hell, bro…"

The elder devil ground his teeth together and shoved his brother hard with both hands. Maybe he could bury him in the backyard and no one would notice or care.

"I'm glad you're enjoying this, you idiot," Vergil hissed. "I don't know what to do now, she won't even talk to me!" he continued with a loud, frustrated sigh. "I'm lucky she even threw my clothes out with me… she wouldn't even let me dress in the apartment."

"Damn… that's rough," Dante laughed as he tried to calm down. "They definitely don't make pills for that," he added with a snicker and earned himself another hit to the head.

"I'm glad you're enjoying this so much," Vergil growled back at him as he folded his arms across his chest. "I thought maybe you of all people might be of some help. Obviously I was wrong."

"Hey, come on… you would've laughed if I told you the same thing, chill out," Dante threw back and shoved him lightly in the arm. "I mean, it's never happened to me _personally_ … but I can imagine the issues it might cause," he shrugged. "I'd probably start with chocolates, maybe some flowers… well, this is _Lady_ we're talking about, so maybe just some bullets and hard liquor," Dante added with a thoughtful hum. "Honestly though, bro… I've never really tried doing it with a human in **that** form, it probably just _hurt_ a hell've a lot. You better start doing everything you can to get on her good side. I'm sure she'll forgive you once she calms down a little, but hey- if I was in her position I'd probably be pretty ticked off too."

"I suppose…" Vergil nodded and leaned back on the steps with a groan. "She did seem to be in a lot of pain. I tried to offer to take her to the hospital but she seemed more interested in causing me bodily harm than listening." The devil sighed again and shook his head. "I've never had something like this happen before, unfortunately she didn't take it as a compliment."

"I wouldn't try convincing her to take it that way. 'Oh Lady, it's because of you that I couldn't control my urges, so you should be happy!'... no chance in _that_ going over well," Dante snickered and gave him a shrug in return.

"Indeed," Vergil murmured and closed his eyes with a groan. "Things were going so well, too…"

The door to the shop swinging open distracted the pair from their conversation, and matching pairs of eyes landed on Trish in the doorway. To say the woman looked a bit tired and annoyed was an understatement.

"Yo, babe, where ya' going? It's like two in the morning," Dante called up to her from the steps. "Did we wake you?"

Trish snorted and adjusted the large bag on her shoulder as she eyed the twins on the steps. She picked her way between them as she headed down to the sidewalk and turned around to face them.

"Well, I just got a phone call from a friend of ours. It seems like her idiot boyfriend pulled some stupid stunt in the bedroom and she can barely walk," Trish explained as she gave a pointed look to Vergil.

The devil winced slightly at the thought of what he'd done. He was going to be on the couch forever, if Lady ever let him come back.

"Anyways, as per the rules of girl-code, I've gotta go take care of her and help her assess the damage, so we can figure out a fitting _punishment_. Why don't you boys have a sleepover or something?" she called out and hopped on her motorcycle. "Don't wait up!" Trish added as she peeled out into the night.

"Great… now they're _both_ mad at you, and somehow I lose out too. Way to go, Verge," Dante huffed and stood up from the steps to dust his pants off. "Come on… might as well go inside, since neither of us is getting any action tonight," he grumbled and headed into the shop first.

"Why doesn't anyone believe me that it was an accident?" Vergil groused as he followed his brother in. First thing tomorrow he was going shopping. He might not really be able to _buy_ her forgiveness, but it couldn't hurt to try and grease the wheels in his favor a little. Hopefully Trish would hide all of Lady's guns before he arrived though.

"It really wasn't on purpose…" Vergil added as he joined his brother on the couch.

"Yeah, yeah," Dante snorted as he passed his brother a beer. "So… how was it, anyways?"

Vergil had never felt the urge to murder his brother more than at that moment, but he shrugged despite his annoyance.

"I'm not really sure… as I said, she tried to kill me before I could really do much else."

"Damn… too bad. Now I'm kinda curious to try it myself," Dante snickered.

"Hm. Don't come crying to me when Trish electrocutes your manhood," Vergil replied as he sipped his drink.

"Eh… good point. Maybe we'll just skip that for now," the younger twin added with a wrinkle of his nose.

"Good idea."


End file.
